[[cake with the most boyfriends v.II]]

In honor of Sweet Tooths (late? Deceased?) Mix Tape Club- I pronounce (straight from the plains of Montana/NorthDakota/backseat of a Chevrolet Rental)the ultimate SoundTrack: Oly I Love You.

{prelude}
Neutral Milk Hotel In the Aeroplane Over the Sea ("The King of Carrot Flowers") which I was into fanatically all about at about the time my high school self spilling all over k108- where The Cure/Love Cats and Sergio Mendez were all I remember - it was this and Alanis Morisette Greatest Hits or something that I was playing as my freshly hickeyed hungover teenqueendom poured into airport back to Shoreview quite certain of where life was taking me
(from the mix i sent before i ever came)
Nothing Compares 2 U/Sinead OConner
Section 12: Hold Me Now/Polyphonic Spree
Free To Be You and Me/Marlo Thomas
also the MeanGirlz mix: My Coco/StellaStarr!# , Call on Me/Eric Prydz, Im Bossy Kelis and the mix Graham made me: Pussy Control, Mr Blue Sky/ELO, Walking on Broken Glass/Annie Lenox

[dudezone l k107]
I Would Do Anything for Love/MeatLoaf
That American Classics record, whatever it was, we overplayed that shit
Billion Dollar Babies/Alice Cooperwhole phenom album but esp Hello Hooray
Dont Fear the Reaper
PURPLE RAIN - fanatacism begins
Mercedes Benz/Janis, Jolene/Dolly - from the mix tape Am made to wish everyone off but especially for girlstomps all around the world;
[champshack l orcas island]
entering Around the World in A Day and 1999phases. Paisley Park plays in the background of all island time. Lets Pretend We're Married along with all wooden floors of the eastside.
Brass in Pocket/the Pretenders

([champshack part II])
Dirty Mind and Sign O the Times I Could Never Take the Place of Your Man
the Hairspray soundtrack I am not sure why
[stump pt 1]
Tarzan and Jane/TOY BOX
all party songs associated with PostBreakUpCrew (SoulaBoy Crank That)
Bikini Kill EP thats right I got all into the OlyClassics
[DUGOUT l Crew UP l Gatewayz l ETC]
Hounds of Love/Kate Bush
Temptation/New Order
Heat of the Moment/Asia
Lost on the Supermarket / The Clash
Lil Wayne "Tha Carter III" - all that would play in Meghan's Car
Selena "Unforgettable", "The Essential Dolly Parton", Fergie "The Dutchess", and Radio KYA The Sweetest Music Ever Made - all that would play in our apartment
Thriller/Michael Jackson - Gateways Theme
that video of that leonard cohen song that Scott ways always trying to Thrive everyone on that I cannot find right now WHAT IS IT the one with all the pillars
Ditty/Paper Boy
Common People/Pulp
[Hamms Island]
My So Called Life Theme Song
Blink 182 BUDDHA/Dude Ranch/CHESHIRE CAT, -sometimes, you go back to your roots
[a place like HERE]
Do You Remember the First Time/Pulp
Yacht/PsychicCity

Deep In The Heart of Texas /Patriotic Songs of America
Nausea/X
Grattilium whatever their album is
PITTED YOUTH duh
"Beehive Yourself" mix I made in High School which plays in the Welcome ROom day in day out contains filched pieces from the soundtracks of Stand By Me, Now and Then, and My Girl
[and inthe last lights of leaving:]
a mix I made for Will in highschool
and have tried to reconstruct
Black & White/3 Dog Night
Peace Train, Where do the Children Play, Morning has Broken/yusuf of course
and Somewhere Over the Rainbow/ the Israel K version

[OHHH And Most Importantly] which could never be categorized by place nor period-
The Hail Seizures who appeared mishappenly playing Oweek at the FreshmanDorms in fallof 2006 and who have popped up spritefully in all good niches of time
The Dawsons Creek Theme Song (Paula Cole's I Dont Want to Wait) - which of course has been the thread of life in all that I do and how, where, etcetera-
and WILL YOU BE THERE/MICHAEL JACKSON - the Free Willy song which as it turns out leads my life in all directions and plays every time I am at the bow of a ferry.

["supersonic"]
i leave on this note-


as is remains
a Work in Progress

"WHAT ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF?"

RUNNING

i appreciate that scooter recounts tales of jogging, for i am about to share one, too.

i've been running a lot lately, my rule of thumb is to run until i get too tired to run anymore, and then i stop. i live right beside the wetlands of the eastside, where salmonberries and lemonbalm and nettles grow like it's going out of style. thankfully the skunk cabbage went out of style; those enormous armpit-smelling, poisonous green leaves finally sunk beneath the overgrowth of the meadow that seemed to have replace what wetland i thought was

anyway, i was jogging the other day, round 3 pm and a huge snowy-gray owl flew right through the trees in front of me. i couldn't believe it was real, don't snowy-gray owls only come out at night? there she was, big as a kite, flying gracefully from one tree to the next. didn't think too much more of it after that.

a few days later i'm walking to the trail entrance and there's a buck standing right at the entrance, staring at me. he is still, not moving even as i get about 20 or 30 feet away. a biker rolls by me and asks if i know where the entrance to the wetland trail is. i point ahead and smile. he says thank you. he gets off his bike and heads towards it. the buck has not moved or stopped staring at me. i ask do you see that? he says no. i ask are you kidding? he looks confused. we walk closer to until we are literally 10 feet away and he says, oh, yeah, it's mating season. the buck looks through me as though he's on fire and turns around and disappears. i start running down the path because i don't want to trip out on bike bro anymore

these lasts weeks in olympia are filled with all this detached and heavy animal spirit shit, i don't really know what to make of any of it except my head is pretty clear and i'm going to miss those stinky wetlands a lot

Friendly Grove

Went to a great summer BBQ at Friendly Grove on the eastside lastnight. All the friends were there grilling and skating. It was a great way to round of the day spent working at SUBWAY. But making sandwiches has it's perks as well. Today I have to work again and I am feeling like I spend to much time eating bad meat. Will summer ever really get here? I keep pushing it and it just won't happen!

Fun Run

So I was on a run today and I had to go poop really bad and it sucked. I was almost done when I pooped my pants. True story. Free GrossOut hot dogs as art tokens is a bad idea when your the cook. they make you poop and not be able to control it.

Reflections

Vita; it's almost empty on a monday morning. It feels so right sitting here and admiring the plants that rest on the little ceiling stoop. Yesterday Sarah and I walked down to the market and selected some herb starts to add to our little collection. It was all misty out and I felt a strong connection to this region.  A while ago I got it in my head that appreciating things like plants and  weather wasn't allowed. I fight with the undeniable urge of letting other peoples opinions and actions effect my perception of what I like and dislike in this world.  Someone told me a neat word for what that process is called last night. Unfortunately I forgot. The pitted youth show went well, it's a blessing to see so many friends at once. But the overall effect of the night left me feeling a bit frantic. I'm glad I don't feel the need to go to shows that often right now. I'm still working on settling into my own. I guess 22 is the most stressful age. Because you don't yet know how to properly incorporate stress into your life. The art show at the northern didn't stress me out that much at all, a big surprise. I am so thankful to have friends and friends of friends that come through so often and strong and show support for the silly things I want to do. Thank you! I love you all. Today I am going to plant some seeds and hopefully go on a run. Talk to you all in blog life soon!

xoxoxoxox

Scoot

formulating intent by putting two words together

my flannel is begrudgingly seeing another day

feeling like i need to immediately go to school to become a musician, or better yet, a composer. maybe if i learn how to compose i can better articulate my thoughts on what's happening in the sea outside of gaza right now

can't help but think what my grandmother would say about all of this, i wish i had known her better to be able to remember a tone of her voice, for then i could invent what i'd want her to say and push it through my brain in her voice,

the words fuck and israel are going back and forth like this:

i s r a e l f u c k

far is luck
ick, flares
if ear suck
fuck, israel

i don't know how to say it differently and i don't really even know how i'm jewish, anymore, anyway, if these words weren't playing themselves over and over and the letters stamping themselves behind my eyes then what is going on, is what i am asking.

why can't i just like fashion or something and blog about that, instead of having all of these feelings that i can't change or do anything about

or focus on flannel

%***

Wrapped in the Weekend at Unicorn Bunny. What else is new. Reading WASTED voraciously and investigating the School for Designing Society, Dr. Carl Hammerschlagger at the Patch Adams conference last night made my brain juices spurt in a way thats been a while.

Left to the SanFran Bakery. Love the glittery punk kids that slosh out coffee, saturated sugar things. The girl with the half-shaved red hair with a flower on it, let my ogle her cat flower tat, kid-art-esque line work. Lovin it.
I read the New York Times Travel Section.
Portugal.

There was a girl with straight brown hair and glasses, reminded me of my mother. She snapped at my Friday. My father called this morning to say someone my brother knows killed themselves. I think of them, my mom quiet, compassionate. My father, the bipolar biker. Me, the perfect synthesis, AlcoholicArtistic.

I hate the word artistic. The Corwin in my head. ITS TOO EASY. These sort of things remain. I hate when people say they are artists. EASY. As Easy as the Pretension of Wagner. AHA.

All this Hornbacher has gone to my head. Perfectly obsessed. This stream of babble narrating my every move. This analysis of emotional pack-rat-ism that is far too overwhelming. Can't I just watch the True Life marathon. Must the world crash down on me Getting in the Way.

I swear there is always a different amount of cream cheese on these bagels, I am wondering, do they size you up, decide oh you do not need anymore sister friend, or do they think, oh I'm sure YOUU want a TON.


Plotting, Planning, so the thoughts stop racing.
This I know is true.
So much plotting.

Canceled my interview for the arts organization in St. Paul I had for Tuesday. I am going to the island whether they will have me or not. Mostly, it is the thick gray air I imagine on the tide break. The pink polka dot rain boots I will tromp in through the forest. The purple sea stars I will perch on my palms and knee caps as I smile into the gauzy cloud lightness.

Northern Show

Sunday June 6th; Ghost Town Revistited. Come and help us show the northern that art shows can be super exciting and encouraging for all! We want to start up a new little thing and keep the fire alive even though we got fired from our olde spot. Keep it real, keep it steady! fuck yeah!

sample pic of unfinished piece for the show:

Artists: Casey Jones, Jonah Trople, Alex Johnson, Scott Young

Violation

So i got violated by my employer today. I found the job on the evergreen job data base and everything seemed cool. The guy even gave me a haircut. I got to work outside on beautiful property by the beach and mow lawn and cut down trees. But then the old guy started giving me a massage. I had the willies to begin with, I should have just trusted my gut instincts and not shown up in the first place. But money seemed like money until it got to weird for words. To make things simple I am never going to work at someone's house that I don't know. Especially if they are kind of old. Because I have this problem with old people where I feel like I have to respect them even if they are doing things that go completly against the things i find to be important to me in this world. No more trusting oldies just cause they are oldies. Trust the people that are actually trustable. I'm still all shaken up!

Update

BIG BUZZARD


So I have a head ache. I made some gluten freedom vegan tacos for dinner, cause I am back on that tripppxxx. went to seattle today and met up with dave and selena, my parents. walked around ballard area. the market there was a boom city. Tons of vegtables and people wanting you to sign weed freedom rights. This lady feel down infront of us cause her boy friend stepped on the heel of her shoes and she feel into a sidewalk sign and knocked it clean over. Gnarliest fall I've seen up close in a while. I ran like 7 miles today, to the old brewery and around tumwater and back but I still feel restless. I'm in the pitted studio trying to get art done for the show but there is internets here and to many instruments that make you feel like a pop star. I want an imperial red ale. watching a skate video of mark gonzalas from 91 with jazz music, it's weird man! Feel a little empty.

Revisited

It was probably the magic of my life in the last week or so,
this clappingTappingDRUMMING that just doesn't quit,
That reminded me.

Probably the conglomeration of long-lost acquaintance, lust, and curtailed camaraderie.
Probably why I started to remember this place.
Somewhere out there.

A place that is heavy at night in the summer, sticky with mosquitoes
Skin that is dried with lake water, and things that smell like fish, beer, BBQ, etc.
Don't bother driving, there is nothing to see. The same level of flat and the same color of yellow. Even the trees don't really know what green is. Coming from Minnesota is nothing like the great P N W.

This week is the taking of the MSP which is Washington state Standardized Testing, the WASL in disguise. Longer and more degrading. I am proctoring individually for students with IEPs, I sit there stupidly
They struggle with inane multiple choice questions, and I am silent as they deflate by the minute.

Staring into space as the child before me grew to hate themselves,
I caught sight of the map of the States adorning the opposite of the rooms wall.

It hit me, Yearning,
The Mighty Mississippi chugging south, framing all states border clear to Louisiana
and O! I could hear Swanee River spiking up all around me-
The Heartland!

My ancestors, transplant Viking farmers growing up into machinist Proud Americans,
Every relative I have lives within miles of every other relative.
I have been to far too many cousins' birthdays weddings and backyard cook-outs.

I think of my teenage summers
of crying making out and waiting for something to HAPPEN.
Beaches board up at night and carpools to nowhere...
4th of July Tom Waits deep in the night
Slow Groggy DRUNK
campfire on my face.

Somewhere out there.

I am startled by the last MSP question 5th Grade Science, which I am reading out loud to my proctoree without taking note of what I am saying.
"Meg wants to take a walk in the evening during a full moon. Which day should she take her walk?"

Mmmmm.
Even the Science of Washington State is intrigued.

I want to lie at the island in a neon muscle shirt,
hear the Loons call and smoke a Marlboro 27,
listen to the giggles of couples wrongly matched.

Stretching out between the grass and sand, the deep scar on my left knee sparkles with the fireflies. I want it all.
There is a rumble of a Toyota with too many bumper stickers, a Twins game has been won(!) and a radio cackles happy(#). Scratchy face. Flannel. Closer and sooner. Beeping of an automated lock. Thudding of secret kind of secret, a song only you and I know the words to. PLANNING. By the light of the full moon,


My love threatens to drown me in the lake.

Now that I am an award winning artist, and a Missed Connection meriting hottie,
theres really not much else out there for me.
EXCEPT
of course
My project Musique with Scoot
thats going to probably go under development as soon as the great Mexican-American return,
Don't you think?!

This morning we had the hostel breakfast of eggs and tortillas again (nothing as gormet as this). Pretty good, but I rarely can finish my food due to the hot temps. I put some super spicy habinaro sauce on mine. I cant seem to get enough hot sauce, good on everything.

Lastnight one of the dudes that kind of (but not really) works at the hostel made some very good BBQed beef. It was super fatty so I stuck to the salad mainly, nice to get some veggies. The only dressing was this salty watery stuff that was actually pretty good.

This morning I got up early and biked to the beach and went for a run on the section where the water is just hitting the sand. Wouldnt you have this song stuck in your head to? I passed by another runner going the other direction and by the look on her face I am pretty sure that she had the same tune in mind. It was very beautiful. After about a mile and a half I went for an early morning swim. Back to the hostel in time for coffee! I have been really enjoying going to bed by about 10. Its a nice schedual to have so I can really get down to some work (drawing, reading, writing, and plotting for the future). Im sure logan is kind of annoyed as a few times he has still been awake for the night when I get up for the morning. Whatevers cleaver.

Well, another day on the beach in Tulum and then on to the next town.

cheers.

pizza dog days

Back on Track

so mexico has calmed down my nerves and given me a new kind of hope and love for the exciting things that will unfold in the days to come upòn my return to olympia. I can´t wait to start on getting a new gallery open. Things are heating up here. Ran into Am´´lee and she is dating a mime. He paints himself solid gold and he did a mime act infrot of the whole town square where he delivered her mail, it was very romantic. I hope that Meg doesn´t move soon.

Where do I even begin?



Becca and I were sitting outside the Bread Peddler last weekend, I had just gotten back, barreling North on I5 past varying degrees of river and gorge, X on real loud, wrappers from New Seasons askew, Coffee Coffee and all the sunglasses.
My second spring break, i just returned,
and we're sitting outside The Bread Peddler the fancy cafe seating, I say,
"Its like I'm living this make believe sort of life,"
and she laughs "I think you Are."

Locked in my attic room reading dispatches from the 90sindiescene, birth stories straight from the heart of my very own little town. If this is not really Olympia in 1992 I can at least pretend so. Scene-fueled vay-cay to D.C. up next.

This whirling tour of Texas, Portland, Seattle I have made of my life, and these plans for the next few months-Minneapolis Chicago Orcas Island and Beyond-
A true product of 90s mainstream thirdwave, I CAN DO ANYTHING GO ANYWHERE BE ANYBODY

So excited.

Its funny I guess. Today is the 5year anniversary of meeting my soul mate
and in this way,
becoming the person I am, the life I have, you know,

its insane whats happened and most of it I never would have planned for.

So its crazy to me that we are setting a date,
JULY TWENTY-SEVENTH,

and I am leaving Olympia.

WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

A million directions.

"I told you your dreams would come true"

The kinds of purple flowers Paxton tucked behind his ears because they bloomed all over Salt Lake City just like home-
now mashed in a moleskin i drew all over.
scrawling about the people we met,
the anarchy posterboy from NewOrleans who dumpstered everything and came to everyparty,
the Rockstars from Paris, whom we sat with in the treetops of the hillcountry seeing all of lit-up Texan cityscape, the slumlord who reminded me of a beer brewer bro i h8
the girl with a scratchy voice and little dog just returned from New York,
the entourages of the bands from the label who we saw day after day who all dressed the hippest the profesh music bloggers fancy people with badges.


I clomped along the highway in tall grass and muddy boots
the air smelled like BBQ
I could feel Sissy Hankshaw flowing to my bones
Many cows prairies taco trucks and skulls,


The most happiest kind of girl.

do you all believe in the looking back to old photos and letters and RE doing them within the images in your mind that you remember?  it's all i want to do lately, found a portrait of my mom on her honeymoon and i'm painting it in bright blue and silver and she has long dark hair, like she did but also like she didn't.  

i think what i'm doing here is i'm trying to find some reconciliation between the reality of lived experience and what memory shows us, it's surely an adventure and perhaps i'll have something to show for it along the way, like the time i was putting my pieces of my own photos onto photos of my fathers from when he was young and understood something else, and writing a story about what i was seeing.  i like getting caught up in understanding the past with what i am feeling today but i wonder how much looking back i can do without moving forward, really

i am floating in water in space in an armchair, sleeping soundly and will not hear the waves when they come crashing in on me

"wa oh wa ooooh wa oh oh oh woah wa oh wa ooooh wa oh oh oh woahwa oh wa ooooh wa oh oh oh woahwa oh wa ooooh wa oh oh oh woah"

once upon a time:

These were my cronies



this was my partner in life

this is what my brain was like

the book that changed your life.

I was walking over the bridge to work and there was the mountain coming out of the morning fog clouds and there were the trees all along the port pink with flowers, they were BLOOMING and I got so excited I shrieked through my headphones, there was a biker behind me who got scared and hopped into shoulder lane
I told David about it in such a way later I was waving my hands with emphatic exclamation and I think I hit him
I MEAN CHERRY BLOSSOMS AND SUNSHINE LIKE APRIL AND MAN OH MAN THE SMELLS OF RAINS!
I went with the kiddos to see Crayon Court today- " a multi-media musical puppet extravaganza exploring COLORNOMETRY diversity and recycling" . . . this is the third theater production I have seen in the last week (+ Leyendas de Duende, Wizard of Oz), REALLY this is my LIFE it is just crazy, Freedom Train and Charlotte's Web as part of OJP over the next couple weeks and in twelve days I leave for Texas...
Its great you know this "YOUNG PROFESSIONAL" sort of thing, like what I spend all my $$$ on music coffee and grand adventures, and of course my slummy house which I realized I love dearly all seven of us all the trash on the front porch and the fact that I really don't believe I ever get my mail...
I made a MySpace MUSIC for Pitted Youth because FUCKING OKAY, this is punk music I fucking BELIEVE IN,
I spent this week planning my community cafe, getting tattooed, working on this strange personal project of economic schools of thought dissection,
and gee last weekend was so great you know that too right,
I had this wonderful time wondering around the woods having fantastic conversations with drunk people and hunkering down the back of the Voyeur with a bunch of dudez and going deep on the loom of last call,
I'm just so fucking excited you know, I'm just so into getting my hands on these two epic dance beats I was obsessed with in high school, I'm just so into figuring out how to be a greasy-spoon diner waitress its all I want to do with this M.ED. I am pursuing...



And its like, does anyone care about whats whirring about my head and how great my existance is, anymore than they care about anything else I might have to narrate or express,
Wellfucking of course not,
BUT I JUST HAVE TO TELL YOU
BECAUSE GEEZ OH GEEZ I JUST CANT CALM DOWN!#!#!

(thank you scoot, SLuTBall, and alcoholics everywhere)

all I can think about it is
"Life just gets...real beautiful, man...."

I can't even handle it.

No matter what keeps occurring
or seemingly sets out to destroy me

(No matter what level I stoop to before realizing what I am fucking putting myself through (LESSON LEARNED))

I AM JUST SO FUCKING GREAT YOU KNOW?

I keep feeling so overwhelmed that I can't stop or calm down or even for a second doubt that this is REALLY FUCKING HAPPENING.

I am just beaming.




Next stop Texas, the Stars and Beyond-

Really, nothing can stop me.

moderation station

So it's hard to find a balance between feeling good and feeling like you are doing something worthwhile. One person's healthy lifestyle is another persons gutterball. Hadn't been out to Hamms island for a while, but it made sense to stare at many different types of birds and just have the feeling that everything was great and funny all at once. Logan and I laughed about everything that was wrong with the world until it felt a little bit right. It's hard not having enough sucurity

about how recent events will effect the future of your life. It's nice to know that something will still be left for you (possible sense of humor) even though other things and people might begin to detach. Why is it that the only grown-ups who can really laugh usually do it alone? 

I made a big mistake.

"I will."

I toppled into the Ectory last night screaming MY LIFE IS SO GOOD I CANT SLEEP AT NIGHT

The crisscross of I-5 in both directions

Today I spent my lunch break sobbing on the rim of the lake under the most sunshine of twenty-ten
tears from under the heart-shaped glasses
email atrocity and partner talk everywhere and the ethics of a slut pushed in my lap A Way To Get A Grip and To Feel Things.

okay, so meg, so psyche,
welcome to recovery.

the thing with right now is I feel like HELL I feel like I am being THROWN FROM TRAIN I am being FUCKING PUNCHED OUT
(but i can feel things)
((I CAN FEEL THINGS))

and for once turning Off brain turning On volume IS NOT going to be the way to fix push and HANDLE all that is happening and I can SEE THIS and I AM GOING TO WORK IT right OKAY.


They said, Your Feelings have nothing to do with this process.

He thought, it was okay, 'cuz he was Drunk and Sad and Self-absorbed.

and you Felt,
THIS MAKES ME HAPPY SO IM GOING TO DO IT,
BEYOND ALL LOGIC ALL EXPERIENCE
AND ALL
EVERYTHING
THAT YOU HAVE REFUSED TO FEEL FOR A LONG AND HARD AND GRUESOME SORT OF TIME.


I remember, Little Girl, inventing the thing where I would freeze the moments, I would stop and watch the sky curve around to the horizon and think, one day this moment won't exist any more, one day it'll be just history so I gotta stop and freeze it and make it a memory. Smell hear and grab real tight on what my heart feels RIGHT THIS SECOND.

Some moments I wish I had better frozen Some I wish I could get rid of forever, and most of all, I HATE ALL YOUR WORDS

Been down with the sickness.

it's no fun being sick with a stressful schedual and insomnia. The days start to be dominated by the heavy static of worry and torment. It feels like nothing is worthwhile. Is it selfish to be down in the dumps? probably. Today all I did was drink hot water and clean. It feels weird to not socialize. It feels weird to write. Anyways I hope I see you all soon in real life.

much more attractive

2009[all babies want to get borned. byebyebyemnnnn. punk as fuck. is my beautiful cervix, pt. II. noize boiz, c'mon. H8 KIDZ h8 KIdz h8zzz every lil child. NO MORE PARTYZ.is OMIGOD H8 Y-CARE. thank you sprite for letting me revel in urban authenticity. IS UNLOVED BY ANY OF HER HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS APPARENTLY.bye bye. hissy fit. happiestgirl. hissyfit. h8s authors. "TOVAH AND LOVER-BOY ARE THE ONLY WORDS I HEAR OUT OF YOUR MOUTH MEG!" "REALISTIC"?!?!?!?!??! if i hit it once, i hit it twice. = MEDIA KID. where is everyone to yell @ me 4 sucking? FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK. DONE WITH DODGEBALL 4EVER. h8 writing / cannot do it. down with sally voyle ans all her 21 years. DOWN WITH SALLY VOYLES AND ALL HER 21 YEARS. I WILL NOW BE KNOWN AS MEGABUCK$. ready 4 texas. done with failing. babies babies little kids. simon. lovetovahmisstovahgoingtodiesoonprobablay. GRAdUATION?!# H8 k8 &SALLY. too much pregnancy. has run away. I AM HOMELESS HELP ME OUT. h8 everything.20+ cavities and a need for root canal. dentistry foray part II. two root canals actually. lostmyphone/pretty sure txts becoming public knowledge- resulting in ruin a la paris and harriet the spy.remember when everyone read paris hiltons txts and the world was ruined. yes. emergencyshoreviewpressfournow. GRADUATING COLLEGE IN THREE DAYS.

is grown up now. 'up 3d' best d8 ever. WHO HAS MY DAWSONS SEASON THREE I AM STRICKEN WITH GRIEF AND WORRY. devastated.canada coststoomuch.oney anmd mj is dead and i dont know whatsgoingopn and reallly nothjing is okay facebook. meg > canada. "meg and tovah make mistakes". trolling 4 hotties. scott, why aren't we skateboarding right now?. GIRLS RULE BOYS DROOL. daniel radcliffe = alex paxton. I AM SORRY FOR BAILOUT SUMMER 09. NO MORE BEER NO MORE RIVERS MEG YOU NEED TO DO MATH.PLEASE LEAVE MY TOWN NOW, I AM ANNNNOYED. meg=1, e-card=0. meg goose sara spice girlz glee n love 4ever. TOVAHLESS AND DISTRAUGHT.NEVER NEVER NEVER ORDER HOTDOGS FROM EAGANS. JUST FORCED TO CANCEL MY FLIGHT BACK TO THE MIDWESTERN HEARTLAND EVERYTHING IS HORRIBLE AND I DONT THINK I AM EVER GOING TO MAKE IT HOME. MOM I MISS YOU. I WANT TO JUSTIFY MY BEHAVIOR BUT I DONT SEE IT WORKING. can someone please give me a pickup truck so i can have kates bed PLEEEZ. NEW ORLEANS TICKET BOUGHT MY LOVE I AM COMING EEEEEEEEEEEE. dear Hail Seizures i love you so much :( .......[cry cry cry 4ever]. omg i am moving back to stumphouse. like now.bruce i miss you. didnt actually graduate going to the Ellensburg rodeo to try and grow up. portland pillwonder 0happyday. want minnesota want minnesota now. like david hasselhoff i have seen myself on film and i am going to change my life. im really not as bad as everyone thinks. bye bye. I H8: americorps seattle pep ralliez and especially the ugly readingcorps members. PHONE SO BROKEN LIFE SO HORRIBLE. meg=official bachelor of the arts. I HAVE A PHONE I AM A PERSON AGAIN OKAY. PARTY AT STUMP HOUSE 2NITE DRINK AND CURSE AND TELL JACOB TO GET LOST!!! NOW THAT I HAVE WALKED HOME FROM THE PHOENIXHOUSE AT 2am I AM COMPLETELY UNSTOPPABLE! I REALLY NEED TO GET RID OF FACEBOOK > I REALLY WANNA VOMIT. OPRAH NOOOoOooOoooooo!!! WOULD YOU RATHER DO A VAMPIRE OR A WEREWOLF AND WHY? AS SOPHIE WAS SAYING: MOA, MICKEYS DINER, ALL GREAT LANDMARKS OF MINNEAPOLIS: GO! WHO WOULD LIKE TO PICK ME UP FROM SEATAC @ 4 TOMORROW IN EXCHANGE FOR AN ABUNDANCE OF TREATS?!I REALLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY I AM NOT FAMOUS YET. KENNY IS SILENCING ME ABOUT THE HORRORS OF OUR HOME. oh so you are NOT supposed to go to the airport without ID goodtoknow! only courtney love understands me. oh so you are NOT supposed to go to the airport without ID goodtoknow! welcome to 2010, im going to act like a grown up now]

#

(Today, I have been Sober for Thirty whole days.
I thought this would be hard, so hard, so difficult, like really, what would I DO and what could I BE?!
Whats great and funny and wonderous,
is how this has made every part of my life so much easier,
so much better,
HOW I AM BURSTING WITH POSSIBILITIES.)

2010
[

I feel like the little punk girl from Problem Child 2; sneakers big hair lots of mischief a killer attitude

Once Upon a Party Girl

Two days ago, New Years Eve, it was my birthday. I was up very early because I did an overnight hosting of the shelter, I spent all morning reading Smashed: Tales of A Drunken Girlhood. I found this book in my high school possessions at my parents house, couldn't help but bringing it on the plane. KAY this author is totally dumb, FYI, shes a bad writer and she tries to weave in a feminist analysis towards the end and it doesnt really work. And she starts off telling about this one time when she blacked out and didnt remember anything from the whole night and it was oh-so-traumatizing THE SCARIEST SCARIEST THING. And here I am going Well, that happens to me like once a week or like whenever I'm all in to PARTYING so obviously homegirl you don't know shit about a drunken girlhood...

Then comes my birthday celebration, and oh boy, is that a black hole. Its about 11:30 and I'm drinking 4Loco in an alley with Vadi and Guy, and of course I do not need to be doing this everyone has bought me drinks and I've had at least five in the last hour, but cmon its my birthday and New Years WHATEVER. Us leaving the alleyway is probably when my brain checked out, the rest of the evening is a few weird blips of memory, a horrible trackrecord on my cellphone, a bunch of those stories the people less drunk want to tell you about what you did that they know you don't remember.

So Im thinking, that well it was my 21st birthday, and New Years Eve, and everyone else was sloppy drunk too. WHATEVER. Then, I remember, that I did the same thing less then a week ago, on Christmas, and what happened in THAT five hour block of time I dont remember obviously amounted into something pretty substantial, and I've got no idea how it happened...

And he was right, when he said there is not a time when I am not grumbling and saying HOW DID THAT HAPPEN THAT WAS SO FUCKED UP. There is not a time when I am not OVER THE EDGE INSANE, making out with everyone throwing tantrums declaring my undying HATRED for people CONFESSING THINGS I DONT EVEN REALLY THINK and getting myself into HORRIBLE SITUATIONS THAT IM SEEMINGLY NEVER GOING TO RECOVER FROM. No, there is not a time, this seems to be my walk of life.

Courtney Love always had love affairs with Rock Stars where everything was dramatic and they were sleeping with all sorts of other people and everything was on and off. Once upon a time she calls Billy Corgan in a whirlwind of tantrum WHAT THE FUCK IM NOT ENOUGH THEN FINE, FINE FINE FINE, THIS IS IT GOODBYE. Who knows if she is wasted but I imagine Yes.

I am stuck on this tone, this kind of conversation.

Of course, I do not mean stuck as if this is of any agency but my own...of course I have done this to myself. The thing is, that I am just kind of getting through my thick skull, is that this a Problem and one much bigger than I probably would like to think...because how many relationships have I had, and do I have, in which the centrifugal force is a big destructive drinking problem? And how many situations do I and can I only exist in because I'm totally out of my gourd and I'm totally okay with it? How long am I going to think being hungover is a joke and a funny lifestyle, even though after awhile I am sobbing and pestering Tovah to tell me my life is okay, and I am swearing I'm never going to drink again because something so truly Awful has happened because of it?! SERIOUSLY SELF WHAT HAS GOT TO GIVE?!
Obviously, a lot...because as a Problem that is Big it has been a guiding light and premise of existence since that very first time I was thirteen-years-old and falling down in Dana Olsen's basement....

I am hoping that in 2010 I have nothing else to do but take on very large Challenges.