Once Upon a Party Girl

Two days ago, New Years Eve, it was my birthday. I was up very early because I did an overnight hosting of the shelter, I spent all morning reading Smashed: Tales of A Drunken Girlhood. I found this book in my high school possessions at my parents house, couldn't help but bringing it on the plane. KAY this author is totally dumb, FYI, shes a bad writer and she tries to weave in a feminist analysis towards the end and it doesnt really work. And she starts off telling about this one time when she blacked out and didnt remember anything from the whole night and it was oh-so-traumatizing THE SCARIEST SCARIEST THING. And here I am going Well, that happens to me like once a week or like whenever I'm all in to PARTYING so obviously homegirl you don't know shit about a drunken girlhood...

Then comes my birthday celebration, and oh boy, is that a black hole. Its about 11:30 and I'm drinking 4Loco in an alley with Vadi and Guy, and of course I do not need to be doing this everyone has bought me drinks and I've had at least five in the last hour, but cmon its my birthday and New Years WHATEVER. Us leaving the alleyway is probably when my brain checked out, the rest of the evening is a few weird blips of memory, a horrible trackrecord on my cellphone, a bunch of those stories the people less drunk want to tell you about what you did that they know you don't remember.

So Im thinking, that well it was my 21st birthday, and New Years Eve, and everyone else was sloppy drunk too. WHATEVER. Then, I remember, that I did the same thing less then a week ago, on Christmas, and what happened in THAT five hour block of time I dont remember obviously amounted into something pretty substantial, and I've got no idea how it happened...

And he was right, when he said there is not a time when I am not grumbling and saying HOW DID THAT HAPPEN THAT WAS SO FUCKED UP. There is not a time when I am not OVER THE EDGE INSANE, making out with everyone throwing tantrums declaring my undying HATRED for people CONFESSING THINGS I DONT EVEN REALLY THINK and getting myself into HORRIBLE SITUATIONS THAT IM SEEMINGLY NEVER GOING TO RECOVER FROM. No, there is not a time, this seems to be my walk of life.

Courtney Love always had love affairs with Rock Stars where everything was dramatic and they were sleeping with all sorts of other people and everything was on and off. Once upon a time she calls Billy Corgan in a whirlwind of tantrum WHAT THE FUCK IM NOT ENOUGH THEN FINE, FINE FINE FINE, THIS IS IT GOODBYE. Who knows if she is wasted but I imagine Yes.

I am stuck on this tone, this kind of conversation.

Of course, I do not mean stuck as if this is of any agency but my own...of course I have done this to myself. The thing is, that I am just kind of getting through my thick skull, is that this a Problem and one much bigger than I probably would like to think...because how many relationships have I had, and do I have, in which the centrifugal force is a big destructive drinking problem? And how many situations do I and can I only exist in because I'm totally out of my gourd and I'm totally okay with it? How long am I going to think being hungover is a joke and a funny lifestyle, even though after awhile I am sobbing and pestering Tovah to tell me my life is okay, and I am swearing I'm never going to drink again because something so truly Awful has happened because of it?! SERIOUSLY SELF WHAT HAS GOT TO GIVE?!
Obviously, a lot...because as a Problem that is Big it has been a guiding light and premise of existence since that very first time I was thirteen-years-old and falling down in Dana Olsen's basement....

I am hoping that in 2010 I have nothing else to do but take on very large Challenges.