the book that changed your life.

I was walking over the bridge to work and there was the mountain coming out of the morning fog clouds and there were the trees all along the port pink with flowers, they were BLOOMING and I got so excited I shrieked through my headphones, there was a biker behind me who got scared and hopped into shoulder lane
I told David about it in such a way later I was waving my hands with emphatic exclamation and I think I hit him
I MEAN CHERRY BLOSSOMS AND SUNSHINE LIKE APRIL AND MAN OH MAN THE SMELLS OF RAINS!
I went with the kiddos to see Crayon Court today- " a multi-media musical puppet extravaganza exploring COLORNOMETRY diversity and recycling" . . . this is the third theater production I have seen in the last week (+ Leyendas de Duende, Wizard of Oz), REALLY this is my LIFE it is just crazy, Freedom Train and Charlotte's Web as part of OJP over the next couple weeks and in twelve days I leave for Texas...
Its great you know this "YOUNG PROFESSIONAL" sort of thing, like what I spend all my $$$ on music coffee and grand adventures, and of course my slummy house which I realized I love dearly all seven of us all the trash on the front porch and the fact that I really don't believe I ever get my mail...
I made a MySpace MUSIC for Pitted Youth because FUCKING OKAY, this is punk music I fucking BELIEVE IN,
I spent this week planning my community cafe, getting tattooed, working on this strange personal project of economic schools of thought dissection,
and gee last weekend was so great you know that too right,
I had this wonderful time wondering around the woods having fantastic conversations with drunk people and hunkering down the back of the Voyeur with a bunch of dudez and going deep on the loom of last call,
I'm just so fucking excited you know, I'm just so into getting my hands on these two epic dance beats I was obsessed with in high school, I'm just so into figuring out how to be a greasy-spoon diner waitress its all I want to do with this M.ED. I am pursuing...



And its like, does anyone care about whats whirring about my head and how great my existance is, anymore than they care about anything else I might have to narrate or express,
Wellfucking of course not,
BUT I JUST HAVE TO TELL YOU
BECAUSE GEEZ OH GEEZ I JUST CANT CALM DOWN!#!#!

(thank you scoot, SLuTBall, and alcoholics everywhere)

all I can think about it is
"Life just gets...real beautiful, man...."

I can't even handle it.

No matter what keeps occurring
or seemingly sets out to destroy me

(No matter what level I stoop to before realizing what I am fucking putting myself through (LESSON LEARNED))

I AM JUST SO FUCKING GREAT YOU KNOW?

I keep feeling so overwhelmed that I can't stop or calm down or even for a second doubt that this is REALLY FUCKING HAPPENING.

I am just beaming.




Next stop Texas, the Stars and Beyond-

Really, nothing can stop me.

moderation station

So it's hard to find a balance between feeling good and feeling like you are doing something worthwhile. One person's healthy lifestyle is another persons gutterball. Hadn't been out to Hamms island for a while, but it made sense to stare at many different types of birds and just have the feeling that everything was great and funny all at once. Logan and I laughed about everything that was wrong with the world until it felt a little bit right. It's hard not having enough sucurity

about how recent events will effect the future of your life. It's nice to know that something will still be left for you (possible sense of humor) even though other things and people might begin to detach. Why is it that the only grown-ups who can really laugh usually do it alone? 

I made a big mistake.

"I will."

I toppled into the Ectory last night screaming MY LIFE IS SO GOOD I CANT SLEEP AT NIGHT

The crisscross of I-5 in both directions

Today I spent my lunch break sobbing on the rim of the lake under the most sunshine of twenty-ten
tears from under the heart-shaped glasses
email atrocity and partner talk everywhere and the ethics of a slut pushed in my lap A Way To Get A Grip and To Feel Things.

okay, so meg, so psyche,
welcome to recovery.

the thing with right now is I feel like HELL I feel like I am being THROWN FROM TRAIN I am being FUCKING PUNCHED OUT
(but i can feel things)
((I CAN FEEL THINGS))

and for once turning Off brain turning On volume IS NOT going to be the way to fix push and HANDLE all that is happening and I can SEE THIS and I AM GOING TO WORK IT right OKAY.


They said, Your Feelings have nothing to do with this process.

He thought, it was okay, 'cuz he was Drunk and Sad and Self-absorbed.

and you Felt,
THIS MAKES ME HAPPY SO IM GOING TO DO IT,
BEYOND ALL LOGIC ALL EXPERIENCE
AND ALL
EVERYTHING
THAT YOU HAVE REFUSED TO FEEL FOR A LONG AND HARD AND GRUESOME SORT OF TIME.


I remember, Little Girl, inventing the thing where I would freeze the moments, I would stop and watch the sky curve around to the horizon and think, one day this moment won't exist any more, one day it'll be just history so I gotta stop and freeze it and make it a memory. Smell hear and grab real tight on what my heart feels RIGHT THIS SECOND.

Some moments I wish I had better frozen Some I wish I could get rid of forever, and most of all, I HATE ALL YOUR WORDS

Been down with the sickness.

it's no fun being sick with a stressful schedual and insomnia. The days start to be dominated by the heavy static of worry and torment. It feels like nothing is worthwhile. Is it selfish to be down in the dumps? probably. Today all I did was drink hot water and clean. It feels weird to not socialize. It feels weird to write. Anyways I hope I see you all soon in real life.

much more attractive

2009[all babies want to get borned. byebyebyemnnnn. punk as fuck. is my beautiful cervix, pt. II. noize boiz, c'mon. H8 KIDZ h8 KIdz h8zzz every lil child. NO MORE PARTYZ.is OMIGOD H8 Y-CARE. thank you sprite for letting me revel in urban authenticity. IS UNLOVED BY ANY OF HER HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS APPARENTLY.bye bye. hissy fit. happiestgirl. hissyfit. h8s authors. "TOVAH AND LOVER-BOY ARE THE ONLY WORDS I HEAR OUT OF YOUR MOUTH MEG!" "REALISTIC"?!?!?!?!??! if i hit it once, i hit it twice. = MEDIA KID. where is everyone to yell @ me 4 sucking? FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK. DONE WITH DODGEBALL 4EVER. h8 writing / cannot do it. down with sally voyle ans all her 21 years. DOWN WITH SALLY VOYLES AND ALL HER 21 YEARS. I WILL NOW BE KNOWN AS MEGABUCK$. ready 4 texas. done with failing. babies babies little kids. simon. lovetovahmisstovahgoingtodiesoonprobablay. GRAdUATION?!# H8 k8 &SALLY. too much pregnancy. has run away. I AM HOMELESS HELP ME OUT. h8 everything.20+ cavities and a need for root canal. dentistry foray part II. two root canals actually. lostmyphone/pretty sure txts becoming public knowledge- resulting in ruin a la paris and harriet the spy.remember when everyone read paris hiltons txts and the world was ruined. yes. emergencyshoreviewpressfournow. GRADUATING COLLEGE IN THREE DAYS.

is grown up now. 'up 3d' best d8 ever. WHO HAS MY DAWSONS SEASON THREE I AM STRICKEN WITH GRIEF AND WORRY. devastated.canada coststoomuch.oney anmd mj is dead and i dont know whatsgoingopn and reallly nothjing is okay facebook. meg > canada. "meg and tovah make mistakes". trolling 4 hotties. scott, why aren't we skateboarding right now?. GIRLS RULE BOYS DROOL. daniel radcliffe = alex paxton. I AM SORRY FOR BAILOUT SUMMER 09. NO MORE BEER NO MORE RIVERS MEG YOU NEED TO DO MATH.PLEASE LEAVE MY TOWN NOW, I AM ANNNNOYED. meg=1, e-card=0. meg goose sara spice girlz glee n love 4ever. TOVAHLESS AND DISTRAUGHT.NEVER NEVER NEVER ORDER HOTDOGS FROM EAGANS. JUST FORCED TO CANCEL MY FLIGHT BACK TO THE MIDWESTERN HEARTLAND EVERYTHING IS HORRIBLE AND I DONT THINK I AM EVER GOING TO MAKE IT HOME. MOM I MISS YOU. I WANT TO JUSTIFY MY BEHAVIOR BUT I DONT SEE IT WORKING. can someone please give me a pickup truck so i can have kates bed PLEEEZ. NEW ORLEANS TICKET BOUGHT MY LOVE I AM COMING EEEEEEEEEEEE. dear Hail Seizures i love you so much :( .......[cry cry cry 4ever]. omg i am moving back to stumphouse. like now.bruce i miss you. didnt actually graduate going to the Ellensburg rodeo to try and grow up. portland pillwonder 0happyday. want minnesota want minnesota now. like david hasselhoff i have seen myself on film and i am going to change my life. im really not as bad as everyone thinks. bye bye. I H8: americorps seattle pep ralliez and especially the ugly readingcorps members. PHONE SO BROKEN LIFE SO HORRIBLE. meg=official bachelor of the arts. I HAVE A PHONE I AM A PERSON AGAIN OKAY. PARTY AT STUMP HOUSE 2NITE DRINK AND CURSE AND TELL JACOB TO GET LOST!!! NOW THAT I HAVE WALKED HOME FROM THE PHOENIXHOUSE AT 2am I AM COMPLETELY UNSTOPPABLE! I REALLY NEED TO GET RID OF FACEBOOK > I REALLY WANNA VOMIT. OPRAH NOOOoOooOoooooo!!! WOULD YOU RATHER DO A VAMPIRE OR A WEREWOLF AND WHY? AS SOPHIE WAS SAYING: MOA, MICKEYS DINER, ALL GREAT LANDMARKS OF MINNEAPOLIS: GO! WHO WOULD LIKE TO PICK ME UP FROM SEATAC @ 4 TOMORROW IN EXCHANGE FOR AN ABUNDANCE OF TREATS?!I REALLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY I AM NOT FAMOUS YET. KENNY IS SILENCING ME ABOUT THE HORRORS OF OUR HOME. oh so you are NOT supposed to go to the airport without ID goodtoknow! only courtney love understands me. oh so you are NOT supposed to go to the airport without ID goodtoknow! welcome to 2010, im going to act like a grown up now]

#

(Today, I have been Sober for Thirty whole days.
I thought this would be hard, so hard, so difficult, like really, what would I DO and what could I BE?!
Whats great and funny and wonderous,
is how this has made every part of my life so much easier,
so much better,
HOW I AM BURSTING WITH POSSIBILITIES.)

2010
[

I feel like the little punk girl from Problem Child 2; sneakers big hair lots of mischief a killer attitude

Once Upon a Party Girl

Two days ago, New Years Eve, it was my birthday. I was up very early because I did an overnight hosting of the shelter, I spent all morning reading Smashed: Tales of A Drunken Girlhood. I found this book in my high school possessions at my parents house, couldn't help but bringing it on the plane. KAY this author is totally dumb, FYI, shes a bad writer and she tries to weave in a feminist analysis towards the end and it doesnt really work. And she starts off telling about this one time when she blacked out and didnt remember anything from the whole night and it was oh-so-traumatizing THE SCARIEST SCARIEST THING. And here I am going Well, that happens to me like once a week or like whenever I'm all in to PARTYING so obviously homegirl you don't know shit about a drunken girlhood...

Then comes my birthday celebration, and oh boy, is that a black hole. Its about 11:30 and I'm drinking 4Loco in an alley with Vadi and Guy, and of course I do not need to be doing this everyone has bought me drinks and I've had at least five in the last hour, but cmon its my birthday and New Years WHATEVER. Us leaving the alleyway is probably when my brain checked out, the rest of the evening is a few weird blips of memory, a horrible trackrecord on my cellphone, a bunch of those stories the people less drunk want to tell you about what you did that they know you don't remember.

So Im thinking, that well it was my 21st birthday, and New Years Eve, and everyone else was sloppy drunk too. WHATEVER. Then, I remember, that I did the same thing less then a week ago, on Christmas, and what happened in THAT five hour block of time I dont remember obviously amounted into something pretty substantial, and I've got no idea how it happened...

And he was right, when he said there is not a time when I am not grumbling and saying HOW DID THAT HAPPEN THAT WAS SO FUCKED UP. There is not a time when I am not OVER THE EDGE INSANE, making out with everyone throwing tantrums declaring my undying HATRED for people CONFESSING THINGS I DONT EVEN REALLY THINK and getting myself into HORRIBLE SITUATIONS THAT IM SEEMINGLY NEVER GOING TO RECOVER FROM. No, there is not a time, this seems to be my walk of life.

Courtney Love always had love affairs with Rock Stars where everything was dramatic and they were sleeping with all sorts of other people and everything was on and off. Once upon a time she calls Billy Corgan in a whirlwind of tantrum WHAT THE FUCK IM NOT ENOUGH THEN FINE, FINE FINE FINE, THIS IS IT GOODBYE. Who knows if she is wasted but I imagine Yes.

I am stuck on this tone, this kind of conversation.

Of course, I do not mean stuck as if this is of any agency but my own...of course I have done this to myself. The thing is, that I am just kind of getting through my thick skull, is that this a Problem and one much bigger than I probably would like to think...because how many relationships have I had, and do I have, in which the centrifugal force is a big destructive drinking problem? And how many situations do I and can I only exist in because I'm totally out of my gourd and I'm totally okay with it? How long am I going to think being hungover is a joke and a funny lifestyle, even though after awhile I am sobbing and pestering Tovah to tell me my life is okay, and I am swearing I'm never going to drink again because something so truly Awful has happened because of it?! SERIOUSLY SELF WHAT HAS GOT TO GIVE?!
Obviously, a lot...because as a Problem that is Big it has been a guiding light and premise of existence since that very first time I was thirteen-years-old and falling down in Dana Olsen's basement....

I am hoping that in 2010 I have nothing else to do but take on very large Challenges.