"disintegrate."

Today I realized fall was here.

I was walking down Washington, there were two people talking outside Ottos still abandoned. It was gray and misty, I was wearing sneakers and had my hood up, I wanted a fancy espresso drink and to reminisce to the point of tears. Think about falls of the past, they're portholes to me you know.

High school.
Witches.
Smoke so much and look at the field that looks far too green against the mist
on a cliff next to WillyHaine's car.
Right before your eyes, everything sets afire.

Fall as a freshman. Everything so I dont even know. You lose the excitement in the harm that you cause yourself. And the next, so full of NewExcitingThings. and yet, You don't even pay attention because you don't even get it.

And last fall, so horrible.
So lost in dark and pasts of bad, and all I even remember are Not Sleeping, Not Breathing,
dark nights at the Reef and the kind of hysterics that only were there in the dark solid space, shrouded in mystery no one could face, even I had to hide from.

Remember, eleventh grade. Its in the fall. I'm in Blakes bedroom hes going on about something he says Thats What You Do You Remember. What was he talking about "what you do", drinking, growing up, I don't know. But its all there. All I do. Remember. That fall, work at Quik Stop, everything sounds like Ashlee Simpson and smells like my carpool.

What I remember about last fall, I finally see, there was this thing. And what I remember is maybe something I can finally admit ,that maybe that thing it saved me.

Its the last thing I'd ever admit it.
Not ever not never
(even in the throes of it all).

Stringing along, ay? Like what you're doing to me Meg?

No. I cant admit. That it saved me and changed me I can tell in myself now that there is a difference and secretly most privately I can tell why. But its the last thing I've ever admitted, the last thing I've ever wanted to acknowledge. I really would like to pretend it doesn't matter it never did and especially that it never will.

But today in the fall I remembered and I saw it for real.

This fall.
1:30 AM, just walked up the hill, fateful sort of conversation about what happened this summer, what I think I learned what I think about all this college graduation growing up mumbo jumbo. As we were trekking along with Indian chai a cupcake on 4th and its so so late and I am sitting on the steps waiting-

Its not time

And it made so much sense you know. Remember that week I came back to Olympia and I cried and cried and cried.
Damage done.
You can never go back.
You can never go back even to Before.

And it kills me, it does, but at least I finally understand. I mean something at least.

I walked over the bridge and thats where I should finish this story but actually guess what I dont even know where it goes.