rip roxanne sadie rudawski, i love you.

i am having that special kind of sadness that won't lift up from your eyelids, the kind of sadness that just creeps in and stays on your face and in your motions and your hands, the way I write things down

this sadness is the kind that compels your father to write an email to his daughters and his ex wife, telling all three of you the same thing -- that he's sorry, that he knows what she was to all of us.  this is rare -- I don't remember the last time my father told the three of us the same thing

this sadness can be full of a horrible shame.  I can't tell everyone about it with the real risk of tears brimming because some people haven't ever loved a dog.  some people haven't ever read where the red fern grows or cried in the first ten minutes of homeward bound or loved the movie babe so much because it shows everyone how wonderful border collies really are  

I know it's a good thing she's gone, that she's somewhere at peace, because as meg pointed out, all dogs go to heaven, they even made an animated movie about it, and that's a good thing.  it really is because in thinking about death and experiencing loss I think all I know is to revert back to childhood thoughts, colors and feelings because it's how to feel better.  

the thing about it is that roxie was my childhood, and to revert back to it means to revert back to a time that she was, all around me, in everything I experienced and remember, so what the hell do I do to feel better?