I remember when we first let ourselves have armpit hair;
and ate mac and cheese sitting in circles on the floor in the soup, weird boys on drugs crawling through the window and empty Carlo Rossi jugs collecting dust on empty surfaces.I remember the four of us and how we'd stomp around to Janis and have parties for no reason and convince people to give us their car. How we were going to GET A HOUSE! and MOVE OFF CAMPUS! and BE REAL PEOPLE!
and it was exciting.

Last night downtown Olympia was LetTheFreshmanOffCampus night I think, there were little girls in cute unique outfits sitting at Cafe Vita planning to get a house together. Talking about staying the summer. Talking about making lives together making lives with Olympia being excitedexcited and feeling grown up. It was a weird feeling, that knowing feeling. Looking at them with a smile and remembering my first fall quarter,

How ultimately exciting yet ultimately horrifying everything was and how I really was making a life for myself although I hardly knew it.

I am reading that book that there are millions of copies in the attic of the SafePlace business office, that book thats called Listen Up. And theres a story I read today and this girl talks about growing up, she says,
I was just waiting for my life to begin.

I realized today when I read the SafePlace book that thats all that I do, I just wait for my life to begin. I plan. I plan and plan and plan. And at the end of this plan, is my life, whenever I will actually get to it. When exactly do I think that my life is beginning? When will things actually happen for me when will I feel like I'm living- Is it ever going to feel like its real?

This is how I felt when I packed all my life up seven suitcases two carry-ons three boxes and more in the mail. This is how I felt when I got ready to leave for Olympia, I felt ready for my life to begin. And ever since, I think I've kept on waiting. So why have I not thought about that freshman land and how and what it did to me and who I've become since? Is this the life I've planned on? Isn't what I'm living what I planned to do six months ago?

Everything seems so beautiful in hindsight. This we know. So warm and cozy we can curl up with nostalgia and eat if forever just like Danny's pasta. But why is it so great when its not happening and why is it also so great when it hasn't happened yet?

You've got the world at your fingertips. You're young, you're beautiful, you're intelligent, you're happy. You can do so many things and you can go so many places. But you've got to believe in yourself, and believe in where you can go and what you can be. And to do this you must see where you've already gone and what you already are. And that's where it gets hard.


I remember that first winter here and the way we all exploded into ourselves. Amelie joined a million student groups, fell in love with a million things, smoked a million Newports, and told me a million times "Fuck the Patriarch". Becca got grown up and got writing and got a tattoo. Joelle put up a tent in the field, taped her hands in to claws, ran away to a meditation retreat, dropped out, bought a boat, got banned from Safeway, Lord Knows Really.

I can't remember what happened with me. Maybe I conveniently forgot. But I would like to explode into myself again sometime soon. And this time, I have some idea of what to do with it.