"you are my sunshine"

Maybe its the bass line of a Blink182 song or
a poem that Tries Hard lines and lines of orphans and adjectives;

CapturingLittleNotions of big love and big tears.

maybe it is the time that passes between two years ago right now I went off to Orcas Island, one year ago I freaked out and didn't go back

Maybe its what she said Jason said
about different kinds of friendships
bringing different friendships to different levels
its something bell hooks described to me.


We drank big beers late into the Dug-Out Dark and talked about things as confused
about needs and love and crews and hatespeech. I had a lot of good thoughts but didn't record them, this morning I am sad like a lover who didn't wake up in time to say Good Bye.

I am trying to write a summative eval. What have I learned. What have I done. What has my college education meant to me. What do I know. How is this relevant. Contextual. Contextual.

Two nights ago I learned that I should not try to mosh in cowboy boots. I fell so hard I wanted to pout on my fallen ass forever, I got pulled up by the crowd but the Monday afterward and my fallen ass remains in pain, unwilling to let me bend correctly.

Graduating high school was this mess of excitement, these Big Plans for the Trees and the magic happy a-little-scary wonderland I had found in Evergreen upon SB06. A mess of excitement in the ShoreviewCrew KarkovBottles drivearound chainsmoke Destination Nowhere, we were all kind of a mess but in this cute way like the Tilly in the Wall song everybody loved that summer after 10th grade. Fight and make out and cry when the summer was over.

I feel destination nowhere right now but its in a much bigger picture than an inviting basement and connecting window.

Little Meg wear shorts under your dress because this way you can climb trees and roll in grass and fight dragons and no boy not dressed for a tea party will be able to go any faster. Come home this afternoon for Kool Aid and a story and a nap in the lawn with Sheeta (the collie).

I do not know where I think I am going but at some point I may first have to figure out what I am looking for. We hear me say I'm going to Texas all the time, but I am not sure of what this fantasy actually consists, other than a faded superhip polaroid of myself next to a hiway Welcome to Texas sign, looking ridiculously excited and positioned to be riot grrrl tall. The island and farm appeal to me a lot but I would have to realize I can no longer spend all day in the craft shop blasting the Free Willy song. The Kwahnice has sailed Meg. Just because everyone moves to Portland, doesn't mean I should move to Portland. The bus is annoying for a reason.

I am not leaving Olympia, okay. I cant leave Olympia because I will be living in the fantastic bigcloseted HolidayHouse, I am going to float about in the happy lit-kid antique trinkets while Becca is in Prague and I'm going to be really really happy. I'll look out my window at the taco truck and sit in the yard in a onesie and it will all be fantastical even if its Fall.

Its just that those post HS Big Plans, I feel like I haven't found them here. Theres got to be something else I have got to find first, where do I find this. Where do I go and how do I get there. I'm going to Alaska but I don't think this will get me far, at least in any direction other than a glacier and massive hangover.

I remember the postcards from Uganda and how they made me feel to just hear of these adventures, the way the music was in her skirt and on her skin and she had stopped at some point to color me a picture in oil pastels.

Little Meg you don't need to hit Kelsey just because shes not letting you be boss. Lets talk about this. Little Meg stop throwing things Please. Okay I Understand you want to her smash her face off right now but Really Meg you love her your just Angry right now. These are your Feelings. Feel Them. Don't make anybody Else feel them.

Last Thursday I skipped class to run around on the Eastside, we put flowers in our hair kissed on the steps of a gas station drank gin all night and watched Girl Power Rock Camp Movie. The show was climaxing and I escaped to the porch, among long grass and children's toys, I laid on my back and chain smoked to the stars. I was thinking. The crowd erupted minutes later and came barreling to all my sides, Rosie yanked the 27 out of my hand and the cherry kaboomed into my eye.

Things got blurry but in the end, I made it out unscathed.

(27s = Shoreview Choice. Stopped being Ironic around Thanksgiving I think. I cant stop anyway I do live in Olympia, Washington after all)

What I was thinking about was how I wish I would have gone to Girl Power Rock Camp and how things would have turned out a lot differently if that was true. What I was thinking was that I should try harder to understand what my theories about love are and what my actions seem to say. What I was thinking was how much what I feel like I have learned is about my relationships with people and what I have wanted them to be or what I have needed them to be and then what has actually happened. What I was thinking about was where I want to go in the great wide world and what I will do when I get there.

Maybe its like the cootie catchers we make way too many of at Y-Care, pick a color pick a number count them twice and then I will tell you what your future holds.

Little Meg when you Grow Up things will all make Sense.