love and anxiety-zing.

Last Night, I slept in a childsized bed in a childsized room, after a night of drinking hottoddys and homemade pho, i was feeling deliriously happy and i think i was tapping into that erotic thing that Audre Lorde is always talking about. in my dreaming i was back in shoreview at my childhood home only it was made much sleeker and with more hardwood and white walls, there was a tiny patch of organic vegetable garden in place of my mom's wild prairie grasses and spindly flowers, and some kind of sustainable playground swingset. i walked in the backdoor and everything was different, there was a small playroom where a little boy was sitting at a table drawing something i couldn't see and he saw me and screamed for whomever his mother was. I wondered in my dream why he was so scared of me and i caught a reflection of myself in the oval mirror on the white wall and i realized i was some kind of a man, with a dirty face and beard and baggy overalls, maybe thirty two. i decided that yes, i would be pretty scary for this kid to see in his clean and tidy drawing room so i ran up the stairs and out the front door and i could hear his mom chasing me and yelling get out of here you pervert. I felt bad but I knew in my dream I had done nothing wrong. later in this same dream i was still a man and i was in a fancy hotel and jenny jenkins was my sister, we were dressed up for some formality and there were girls dancing in thick red velvet dresses. I think this is strange because when i woke up i knew i could go back into that dream and control myself as this new manly person, I guess they call that lucid dreaming. the buzzing of my phone on the ground in the childsized room finally forced me out of bed and i went to the bakery in a fog and ate a bagel and tried to do the crossword but i hardly use that kind of brain functioning so crosswords mostly just puzzle me into irritation. I look forward to sleeping tonight.