november seventeenth

need more vitamins. need more protein. want to run and kick a ball around. Before exercise comes a revealing of truths or something. having trouble reigniting my creative surge. Where did it go? Need a creative-kick-in-the-ass. ---->maybe look to others image of creativity and beauty as in stolen art books.

so, like, will my words make rhymes that are not protected by a locked chest? will my brain hurt when i fail to connect to the three other parts that once pointed out mean ten times i remember them? will memory start being in my step once again or is it as fragmented as the clothing, books and boxes in a basement haunted in and by minnesota?

what gets created again and again in circles all over everything -- isn't it always inextricably linked to the circles i ran from? and in that process of running away -- did it happen too quickly? have i slash-and-burned tru luv and is chance in abundance? Or is chance just the out of our hands word we use to mean to say choice? and isn't free will referring to the sweet queer boy hidden in all of us (me)? is there a way i can make this verse more real and accessible to my friends around me? Stella is right, "The thing about Poetry, tovah, the thing about Poetry is that it doesn't have to make sense." when hava told me that night in the unmentionable alley (RIP REEF) that i walk around with open love in my heart, well i believed her then but now am trying to see that, see that in myself without looking to others to see it reflecting back at me. self-reflect and then, like, comes self-love, right? perhaps more to that flow than meets my eyes and perhaps, again, it will take three more of these books/blogs/parts to get it straight.

reminders -- listen harder when i am listening. say what i mean. leave notes in tree trunks. think of everyone in life as humans and never as concepts. give up gluten. concepts are not real; humans are realer than anything. take a hotsaltybath. look at the nature more and run in it and don't (try to) conceptualize the nature. sew life-positive messages on to all types of clothing and backpacks.

Dancing Cabbage # 1 is done. I better see it recreated on someone's flesh in the near future. 

Grease Fire.

I trudged blocks of rain to plant myself at a home-work haven just to find it burnt down. The windows were blackened, outside I smoke cigarettes with a group of youths that had a few bags containing way to many pastries. There is a leak in my roof, this is odd because I live on the first floor. So it must be someone (alex's) shower or sink. I have to read a hefty amount of hegel. Hey bloggers, get a grip and post? 

Monday Morning Montana Mope.

Meg saw us put the final polishes on the trip as we pulled into the gravel drive of the Bettman House to summon a possible sleep. We, (the admiral, carns, and myself), Had decided to sprocket out of Missoula when the going got ruff. We left last night at 11:45 and got here this morning at 9: a.m. (without the help of caffeine or other such stimulants). It was a rainy affair, and I remain proud and sad at such an accomplishment, even though I offered virtually no aid in driving. 

Montana itself was the medicine I needed. Though there was lacking enforcement and expectance of all things crew. You can smoke indoors at many cafes, and there are real buffalo heads on many a wall. Grease in spoon is fun but not all the time. I cut out of being vegan for the past while, and I regret it. At this point it has almost become like smoking cigarettes, a constant contrast and battle, but something that is always good to talk/complain about. 

We drank the montana crowd under the table.      

Pre-Halloween Advice.

In thinking about being alone and depressed there is a retreat available. A cozy nest that protects from all forms of campus frustration and hatred. When I am at school there are many people I don’t want to hear speak, there are many people I don’t want to see. In short, I want no sense of community with much of the people I come into contact with. This is because I am depressed, and thus alone. It is possible that if I changed my outlook on life this would not be th case. I might even begining reshearch to improve my chances. But I don’t and haven’t. Thankfully there is another way…

Find your inner-crew.

This can be done in a variety of different ways. (beer shot gunning, beer bonging, sibling rivalry practice, fights, ect.) The big thing is to not lose focus of the fact that friends are community to. And it’s time to crew up.

Cloudy Again.

Woke up and I am glad to see a bit of overcast skies finding their way into the funky little downtown. I am drinking camomile tea and it smells like cat pee for some reason. I guess it tastes kind of funny as well. I will be at vita today from 12 to 2:30. I hope to see some familiar faces.   

Mission: PRANK CALL KINNY UNDERWAY.

Call today.